marathon

Legend has it that a Greek messenger called Pheidippides ran the entire distance from the battlefield of Marathon to Athens, to announce Persia's defeat. Legend also has it that Pheidippides collapsed and died right after delivering the news. I ran only half a marathon on Sunday and, though I did not die at the finish, I did wish for a split second for death to come for me.  I am now once more happy to be alive, though I still cannot climb or descend stairs, sit down, stand up, bend over, or walk without resembling an arthritic penguin. 

Though I had already run this course two years ago, this time was different. This race was the result of an insane bet with myself. A taunt, really. A taunt in which I dragged my friends, Nadia and Shelly, who had wholeheartedly and enthusiastically agreed, three months ago, to come down from Vancouver and run this half marathon with me.  I soon discovered that my ten-month post-partum body wasn't able to run more than one mile at a time. Suffice it to say that my training leading up to the race hardly qualified as such. I ran as hard as I could and as often as my mommy's schedule allowed me to, which was sometimes only once a week. I ran at weird and ungodly hours. I managed a few times to run longer distances without feeling as though I had lost a lung, but most of the time I felt like giving up after fifteen minutes. I threw in the towel three weeks ago and told the girls that I would probably not run with them. That I might just have to run/walk the course. And then something happened. A new resolve. I ajusted my expectations to the person that I am today instead of the one I was two years ago, and suddenly it was much easier to run and to push myself harder.

On Sunday, that resolve, combined with the energy released by my two beautiful, young and vibrant friends, carried me to the finish. It was so damn hard. I visited places in my head that I had never been to before and found stores of energy and endurance that I did not think I had in me. This new resolve has made me realise that many of the limitations we face in life are self-imposed. We really are our own worst enemies. 

And now what? Now I find myself back in this little old house. Back to my stay-at-home mommy grindstone. Back to wondering what my future holds. Where did all that new resolve go?! I know for a fact that it is still there, but I think that I am finally working on adjusting my expectations to the person that I am today. I am no longer that 23 year-old girl, fresh out of Law school.  I don't even really remember being that person, quite frankly, and what I do remember is something that I would not revisit for all the money in the world. I made dubious choices and must finally accept them and learn to forgive myself. I must figure out how to take my very limited work experience, my skill sets, my assets, and transform those things into a monetizable whole. That's my next marathon, I think. And I will train for it one mile at a time.